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Is it time for a pause in your life 

11/5/2015

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I have a friend who once sent me a card that said: “remember your song”.  I looked at her and said “And… if I forget it, will you promise to remind me the tune?”
I called her last week. I told her that I remembered what my song was, but I couldn’t remember the tune or the words at all. I was crushed. I was beaten down. I was devastated. I was weary. I was totally void of any fight left, as my body went its renegade, foreign way.
She listened. She didn’t say a word. She let me pour out my soul until I was empty and limp. I was void of the hurts my words carried, or how the words were misunderstood.  I was unaware of unintentionally hurting a close friend; I had no realization the power words my carried – what they can mean or  what they can do to people different as night and day. I hadn’t taken time to reflect how words I speak, often said without thinking, could have double meaning;
My friend, who knew me possibly better than I knew myself, listened as my gut wrenched in frustration. She patiently kept quiet as I ‘toxic-wasted-dumped’ over the long-distance phone lines. I shared my irritation of not knowing ‘who/what’ I would wake up to each morning. I was quickly coming to the end of my rope as I dealt with a super-glued/bionic/screwed up and together body.
She listened to me whine that my husband was right once again. Namely, I haven’t come to the point of acceptance, and that there was a better chance than not, this was the hand I was dealt. It would be how it will be as I went forward, day by day.  Heknew the solution was I needed to go back to my song and  re-work some of the measures and rests notes. Life would continue to be fluid, always changing, and my song needed to reflect that.
I realized I was focusing on a song that was not of the genre I was used to. My focus was not the tune where the beat and measures flowed easily.  Anger would begin rising, on a day when I didn’t know ‘who/what’ I woke up to, I literally didn’t know if I was capable to go on.
I sat crumpled on the stairs. My cheeks streaked with tears, my breath came in gulps. Still, my friend listened silently. For a while it seemed like the phone line was dead, as neither of us spoke.
Slowly, a thousand miles away, I stood up on the stairs and looked at the mountains outside our living room. The “Big One”, one of our favorite eagles soared on a thermal. Suddenly, I heard not only my song, but I could hear the tune. Some of the words were missing. No…. they weren’t missing, they were rearranged. In their place was a pause – a rest. Vaguely I remembered  something from my piano lesson days, taken as a child.  A rest is part of the music. Foolishly, I thought I had come to the end of my song.  Instead, all my song needed was a rest, a pause to be inserted.
While I was fighting the need to slow down, to pause, I felt angry. Somehow I felt there was nothing I could do to repair the damage of words misspoken.  I had overlooked a pause that would make the tune flow, a time for healing. While I was rebelling against a body I had no control over, I disregarded that slurring over the rest/pause would change the melody, and ultimately the song itself.
I know my song.  I know the tune.  I am grateful for a friend who listened. And, while the arrangement might need a wee more practice, my song can, and will soar to the heavens
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    Care Tuk is a nationally known speaker, educator, and retreat/workshop leader. She has been a school, hospital, and home health occupational therapist for more than 30 years. She has been named as a Top Business Woman in America and recognized for her work with youth, disability outreach and awareness, and the American Cancer Society. 

    Care lives in Alaska with her husband Bill. 
    Their family live nearby.

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